The Forest
Beneath the midnight moon lies the campfire shared amongst three teal-tinted tents. The light of the campfire bled onto the surrounding grass only an arms reach past the tents. The moon was bright but its shine was restricted by the damp forestry surrounding the dirt-floored campgrounds.
Only two of the tents were occupied by campers since the last tent’s occupants were occupied by the path they discovered hiking earlier in the day. The two occupants, a young fellow named Tanner and his Border Collie named Spike. The path they discovered had symbols carved into trees that Tanner hadn’t ever seen before. Like stick figures digging a hole or something along those lines, he had thought. As they walked along the trail following its loose bends and roughly sloped hills they began seeing more and more trees. Not uncommon for a forest necessarily, but a more frequent amount than usual. The trees, still and tall looked down upon the two venturers. The branch scars were like cyclops eyes staring at the curious pair, almost as if to warn them of what was ahead. The crickets stopped cricketing and the river ceased to flow. The two thought nothing of it as they were too occupied identifying the symbols carved into the trees.
Tanner's legs began to tire, but they were too far now to stop and go back. The thickening density of the branches above obscured their cardinal directions and the tall stocks of the trees blocked any signs of where they had been prior. All is quiet save Spike’s huffing and puffing. Just then, Tanner felt as if it was not just the pair of them anymore. He twisted his head around quickly to catch whatever he felt was following them, but when he did, there was nothing. Spike started barking over and over again. The forest didn’t bark back, no echo, no movement, no sound, just silence.
The tree twigs continued to break as they started hiking the trail again. The sensation that someone was following the two stayed despite the initial confrontation Tanner tried to have with it. Tanner saw fire in the distance and was joyous. They had finally made it back to their campsite. That was until it came closer into vision… Tanner checked behind him once more to make sure that nothing was following him back to the campsite, but when he turned again to focus on the fire where the camp was… It was gone. He gasped and started running toward where he had just seen the camp, but it was too late. Was the forest playing tricks on him?
He reluctantly continued on this trail that now seemed all too familiar. A sensation of something crawling on him scared him, but it was nothing again. He became frantic and started yelling at the forest.
“YOU CAN’T SCARE ME, I KNOW THESE WOODS LIKE THE BACK OF MY HANDS.”
His detest to the forest grew as his steps slowed from the fatigue. Dragging his tired legs and looking blankly ahead toward the infinite abyss of trees he forgot to check on Spike. He turned his head to the left with his eyes half-open. Spike wasn’t there. He spun around quickly with his breath being taken from him as his gasp sent fear through his whole body. His stomach churned out of fear and cowardice. His voice now wavering in weakness he spoke and said.
“What did you do to my dog… I just want to go home… Whoever is doing this just please stop I beg you, please stop.”
This time the trees answered back with a pitch like windy whistling and replied. “Your dog is your sacrifice to us, now leave before you’re buried with him.”
In his haze of sadness fear and fatigue, he only could reply with “OK” and then continued walking. He was beyond the understanding of what was going on, every time he looked at the trees they would look back at him, watching him, stalking him. He collapsed under the weight of his body. His last memory was looking up to see the trees bending over to look at him with hungry eyes. Their branches reached down to pick him up and he was lifted off the ground. He closed his eyes and took his last breath.
Hi John!
ReplyDeleteI did think that your story was entertaining but you did misinterpret the prompt. The prompt specifically asks you to write in first person, and you wrote in second person. You did this by writing about “Tanner and his Border Collie named Spike.” With this, this causes your entire article to be off topic. Your lack of completing the task assigned affected all other areas of the rubric, and I will go over this. The first being addressing the audience. You would have been able to address the audience with your own experience walking through the forest, as it would have been in first person. You were slightly able to address the audience with the sensory you used. A prime example of this would be you using the word “sensation”, this causes the audience to feel what Tanner felt.
For the second bullet point, I already made my point. You did misinterpret a large majority of the task. You did this by writing from the wrong point of view. There were still other parts that you were able to accomplish though. This includes writing about the actual forest and the eerie occurrences. An example of this would be you stating, “Spike wasn’t there”, and with Spike missing this caused mystery. It also asked for you to use descriptive language and you did this using various words. This includes “churned”, “frantic” and “teal-tinted”.
With the next bullet, you did organize your text into paragraphs, but I didn’t feel there was a specific idea within each paragraph. Your writing didn’t feel very planned out. For instance, I discussed the trees in one paragraph and the weather in another. I felt like yours was just the same idea in each paragraph. For instance in your second paragraph you state, “As they walked along…” and in your third paragraph you state, “Tanner’s legs began to tire”. It just feels like you are constantly describing Tanner walking.
I’ve already discussed your biggest error that impeded on your communication. (POV) You had other additional small errors throughout your writing too. This includes writing about Tanner’s thoughts but not quoting this. You also used a lot of run-on sentences that could have been separated by commas or even made into a new sentence.
Finally, you had good expression by using different figures of speech. An example includes you stating, “The branch scars were like cyclops eyes staring at the curious pair.” This is a great simile, and it paints a picture in the readers head. You would have scored very high in this section without the errors you made impeding on the communication.
Score: 5/25
Hello John,
ReplyDeleteYour blog was fantastic as it gave me a good idea of how to write descriptive writing. You received a level 4 as you had some effective expression with a range of language with words such as, ‘occupant’, ‘sloped’ ,’cardinal’, ‘frantic’, churned’,and ‘haze’ which has the reader imagine this passage while reading it which makes it seem effective to your audience along with your structure being complex and less common lexis which makes it sound really good. There aren’t any errors when reading this descriptive writing. Text is organized perfectly with going in a chronological order from the start of the story to the dark ending with Tanner accepting death in this forest about to bury him with his dog. The task is achieved well with using similes throughout the text like saying, ‘Like stick figures digging a hole or something along those lines’, ‘branch scars were like cyclops eyes staring at the curious pair’, ‘I KNOW THESE WOODS LIKE THE BACK OF MY HANDS’, and ‘answered back with a pitch like windy whistling’ which makes this blog unique. The audience is addressed since it’s the reader for them to understand this horror story that you wrote. Fantastic Job! 20/25
J-Bo,
ReplyDeleteWow, you three at our table decided to answer the same prompt. Y’all are lame. Anyways, like the others, you had a very well-written response. Unlike the others though, you didn’t seem to write in the right perspective. While it was a well-written response, you didn’t necessarily follow the prompt in writing a descriptive story “about you exploring a forest.” Instead, your response was written in a narrative style, describing a camper and his border collie, Spike. Because of this, you’re going to be in the Level 1 range, unfortunately. While you had a clear expression throughout with a range of language, you did not achieve the task that was provided. Your text was clearly organized, in the sense that you structured the story in a chronological order, and your ideas were developed. Unfortunately though, your audience was not addressed. Your audience would be addressed if you would have written your point of view, though. I feel that if you had written this response from a first-person perspective and engaged the audience, you would have easily gotten a high Level 3 or more. Unfortunately, with all of this being taken into consideration, I would award you 5 out of 25 possible marks for this response. Still though, it was a very well-written piece and you should be proud of the writing itself.
Your pal, Hor
Hey John!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your grammar, you had no spelling errors or anything to make your blog lack exponentially in this area. However, there were some things you could have changed to make your ideas be expressed clearer and easier to comprehend. For example, you said, “He was beyond the understanding” you could have said, “He was beyond understanding” just making your sentence flow better and eliminating any unnecessary factors. Continuing with your minor errors you said, “just please stop I beg you, please stop.” However, I feel that if you said just please stop. I beg you, please stop.” Adding that period between “stop” and “I” automatically increases your “Text is clearly organized; ideas are developed clearly”
You hit the nail on the head for “Task is achieved well; content is relevant” your attention to detail really brought that together! I loved how you created characters and gave them names. “ The two occupants, a young fellow named Tanner and his Border Collie named Spike” this piece was very strong in doing so. While in another line you state, “The crickets stopped cricketing” to make this stronger I would have expressed or created a simile/metaphor for what the crickets sounded like, which would have created a better picture for the reader. I love to see different types of language used throughout your piece, as it is one of the criteria for the marking scheme. You did a great job in achieving that. For example, you said “The forest didn’t bark back” personification is a great way for the readers to truly understand what mood/tone you are laying out for them. Good job!
Overall you did a great job, I would have just focused more on the “eerie” aspect of your response. Also adding a date or time of day would be great, the more specific the better as it is a "descriptive" piece. However, you did achieve that at the end of your blog, you were always on topic and continued in the same tense. My only suggestion is for you to totally embrace the tone that the prompt is asking from you. I would give you 15 marks.
Hey John Willem Hendrick Alexander Boxma.
ReplyDeleteYour blog was written in a very entertaining way however you had a big mistake. The prompt that you chose to write about said you should wirte about “you exploring a forest” however you chose to write about Tanner exploring a forest. Other than this point of view mistake your blog was mostly on prompt. You had a wide range of language and I liked the phrase “the thickening density of the branches above obscured their cardinal directions…” This sentence had some less common lexis. You also had other sentences that did a good job building suspense, such as “The forest didn’t bark back, no echo, no movement, no sound, just silence.” You had very good language throughout your text and you did a really good job writing in a descriptive way. I also liked your phrase “this time the trees answered back with a pitch like windy whistling and replied.” Your text was organized clearly and effectively. Your blog was written very well so you would get a good score if you had not misinterpreted the prompt. I would give you a 12/25